On Thursday I left my class and when I got on my bike and started cycling I felt full of energy as if I had the wind behind me, gently pushing me forward. I was extra aware of the traffic around me and it almost seemed that the road itself was smoother than usual and I was sliding on it as if I was surfing or snowboarding down a slope. The cool wind was on my face and I realised I was not happy. I just felt really alive.
Thinking of that memory I remembered the words of psychologist Alice Miller: “The true opposite of depression is neither gaiety nor absence of pain, but vitality”*. I guess this is not what we are told is important, the way that happiness is force-fed to us in social media.
Yes of course joy is good, as is anger, pain and sorrow or even shame and jealousy.
Naturally by now you must be thinking what does that have to do with tai chi. I know of tai chi practitioners that speak of magical sensations in their bodies when they practice and good for them. I could never know how anyone else feels in their bodies anyway. What I have to say about my years of practice is that the ability to pay attention to the body, each part of it, deepens with time. First it is hard, we need to tune in. And in reality it is always a struggle. The mind drifts off and we forget to observe how each part of body feels as we practice but precisely that is the nature of the exercise.
The other day I felt an ache on my shoulder and I thought “You work on the computer too much”. Or a stiffness in the lower back reminds us how sedentary our lives are. These observations while we practice give us clues about which muscles we need to consciously try to relax. And this happens by first observing and acknowledging them. Then adjusting the movement is something that each of us can only do to ourselves but with kindness, never with harsh criticism or punishment.
This personal kindness, from the self to the self, spreads through the body and then we feel back in touch with ourselves. And for me this is when I feel alive. I feel like me, with all my troubles and aches. It’s all good, this is what it feels to be alive anyway.
Alice Miller, “The drama of being a child”, Virago 2007
Words on Steps 
Thank you for your thoughts, they resonate with me a great deal. Only last week we had a discussion with my neighbour about the role of antidepressants in the western society. She is not happy, nor is she content, in fact she may be bereaved very soon. However, she felt that if someone thought she should seek relief through the medication it would hinder her from being fully present in what her journey is at this moment in time. We discussed how pharmaceutical industry (among others) forces upon us a worry, that if we are not happy and enjoying every minute of our lives there is something wrong that needs fixing through pills. While there are times when the treatment is absolutely appropriate, there are also instances when one reaches for it in the hope of ‘fixing oneself into happuness’. Before doing so, we might consider whether there might be a hidden treasure in experiencing the full range of other emotions in all their authenticity that just might introduce us to a different level of being (alive).